Aragon vs. Anderson: The Doctor The Widow and the Wardrobe

Now that I have a few minutes free, I thought I'd go back to one of my great passions...bashing The Whorist (or as it's generally known, The Nerdist), in particular their Doctor Who reviews by one Kyle Anderson.

Mr. Anderson (now doesn't that sound sinister) in my view, has rarely if ever met a Doctor Who post-Rose story that he hasn't loved.  I don't mean liked.  I mean L-O-V-E-D, to where that particular episode is the Best Doctor Who Episode of All Time...until the next episode when THAT becomes the Best Doctor Who Episode of All Time.  It's gotten to be almost a point of parody to see how Anderson rarely finds fault with a Doctor Who episode.  I don't mean just to nitpick on a few things.  I mean give a bona-fide negative review.  Even I, someone who has been vociferous in my condemnation for many NuWho episodes, do admit when I see a good one (like Flatline or Mummy on the Orient Express).  Anderson, however, will almost always find something to wax rhapsodic about, even on something as atrocious as In the Forest of the Night. 

I was intrigued by this, so a little research was required.  I went as far back as I could regarding Anderson's Doctor Who reviews, and the earliest one I could find was the Series/Season Six opener, The Impossible Astronaut.  What I've done is taken Kyle Anderson's review verbatim, and offered my own 'translation' to the text to see what Anderson is, in my view, really saying.  I also throw in my own thoughts as to what is being said.

I hope this will be a fun and informative journey into the strange mind of the Functioning Nerd.

I present Part 14 of The Nerdist as Whore: The Doctor, The Widow, and The Wardrobe .  My 'translations' are in red.

Happy Everything, Everybody!!

As the religious nature of Christmas is offensive to many people nowadays, I've decided to take a "Festivus" attitude towards the holiday so that no one gets mad at me for suggesting that Christmas has anything to do with religion, particularly Christianity. 
 

The word “special” is used too often anymore for things that don’t deserve it, much like the word “epic,” for that matter, but that’s for a different article.

The word "special" is overused, especially by me when describing a Doctor Who episode.  The same applies to "epic".  Where once "epic" referred to something like Gone With the Wind or The Ten Commandments, it now is used to describe something like The Impossible Astronaut Parts 1 & 2.  I also overuse the words 'brilliant' and 'genius' when describing people like Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat, but that's for a different article. 

A lot of times when television shows have Christmas specials, they really don’t earn the word. Mostly they’re just episodes that take place at Christmas.

Like the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, or It's A Wonderful Life.  All those specials aren't all that special, and they're just episodes that take place at Christmas.  OK, It's A Wonderful Life technically isn't a special, but when else do we see it?  Like A Christmas Story when it's a 24-hour marathon. 

Even the first few Doctor Who Christmas specials, going all the way back to 2005, were just regular adventures that just happened to land on the holiday, so there were the trappings of Christmas, but that’s really as far as it goes.

Just like the birth of Christ has nothing to do with Christmas, so the actual holiday itself has little to do with a Doctor Who Christmas special.  These episodes just needed to be shoehorned into the festive nature of the day to give the BBC a reason to show them that day. 

Last year’s special, A Christmas Carol, was touted as the most Christmassy Christmas special of them all, turning Dickens’ classic story into a fun, touching science fiction adventure.

Last year's special, A Christmas Carol, was touted as the most Christmassy Christmas special of them all, turning Dickens' classic story into a spoof of Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas, an abomination of the first order, a nonsensical science fantasy adventure involving flying sharks and mention of a Santa Claus named "Geoff".  It also had nothing to do with Christmas: religious or secular. 

This year’s special, The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe, trumps even that.

This year's special, The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe, is even worse. 

Focusing exclusively on the power of family, togetherness, and love, this episode might be the most Christmassy of all. Moffat’s just a big ol’ softy, ain’t he?

Focusing exclusively on the ego of a hack who plunders genuine geniuses like Charles Dickens and C. S. Lewis, this episode might make Billy Graham give up his faith.  Moffat's just a big ol' ass, ain't he?
 

Now, officially, the title foregoes the Oxford Comma, but I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.

I'm a grammar Nazi, but in this case, I am hitting my broken clock minute. 

From the title, we know the episode gets its inspiration from the C.S. Lewis novel, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I have never read any of the Narnia books nor seen any of the films, so if there are some obvious references I don’t mention, please don’t hold it against me.

I think this gets its inspiration from some book from some dead guy no one's ever heard of.  I'm willfully ignorant of one of the greatest fantasy series of all time.  I'm sure, however, that The Chronicles of Narnia can't be any good because J.K. Rowling didn't write it. 

I see the correlation between the TARDIS (and the present) to the wardrobe, given that the Doctor calls it that, and I’m told there are tree people as well. Is that right?

The TARDIS could pass as a wardrobe I guess, and there is a widow in it, so close enough.  I also understand that the Ents were from Narnia, right?  Narnia, Middle-Earth, tomato, tomato...

Other than that, I saw nothing that seemed very Narnian.

Although I have never read any of the Narnia books or seen any adaptation of The Chronicles of Narnia, I'm enough of an expert to know what is Narnian and what is not.  Then again, those who have read the original story didn't find anything very Narnian either, so there's that. 

I didn’t feel my lack of knowledge of the material lessened my enjoyment any, so that’s really the best kind of reference; too subtle for people who don’t know to know they’re missing.

I didn't feel my lack of knowledge of the material lessened my enjoyment any; since my lack of knowledge on much hasn't been a hindrance before, why change now?  That's the best type of viewer: someone who knows absolutely nothing about the source material they are basing the story on.  Who needs all those pesky details about the symbolism of Alsan the Lion or talking fauns to ruin this story.
 

There’s a lot to like about this special.

I'm going to be stretching to find things to praise in this barbarism. 

I love how it began with the Doctor yet again saving Earth from an enormous extraterrestrial threat, only this time it’s the late 1930s and everyone on the planet is none the wiser.

Here we go with yet another "aliens invading Earth" story, only this time the big twist is that for once, no one really notices the Earth is getting invaded. 

When he crashes after having put an impact suit on backward (in the UK again, what are the odds), he meets Madge Arwell (Claire Skinner) who seems completely nonplussed by the fact that a spaceman (or angel) happened to fall from the sky.

Oh look: aliens are going to go to the United Kingdom...again.  Aliens are remarkably unimaginative: not only do they keep invading the same planet, but they keep invading the same PART of the planet.  We also get the Doctor being an idiot again, because why not...we get the heroes we deserve, right?  This Madge thinks it's perfectly natural to have some person crash in front of her.  Why not, just roll with it.

I quite liked Madge.

I like Madge too...

She was a bit dotty but overall she was a fantastically grounded and believable character.

She was rather nutty but on the whole quite sane.  Yes, I know that it doesn't make sense to have a character who is nutty and sane at the same time, but remember, it's British, so it's not suppose to make sense. 

Three years after she helps the Doctor, we find her having just received the news that her husband, a WWII pilot, has crashed and died. She doesn’t want to tell her children, Lily (Holly Earl) and Cyril (Maurice Cole) on Christmas for fear of ruining the holiday for them forever.

"Kids, your Dad's dead.  Want to pull your Christmas crackers?" 

She then makes a wish, one that the Doctor hears.

I like the idea that this Doctor can somehow respond to people’s hopes, fears, and wishes. It happened during Night Terrors with the weird alien kid as well. It’s not fun all the time, but once in a while, I like that the Doctor can tell when he’s needed.

I like the idea that this Doctor can somehow not just hear people make wishes but also grant them, like an intergalactic Mr. Rourke.  We don't know exactly how it works logically or why someone wishing for something in the past hasn't made the Doctor come down and grant wishes like Santa Claus (or Geoff), but why not, it's Winter Solstice.  I thought the idea was ridiculous in Night Terrors, but since he's used it once why not use it again? 
 

Trying to escape the bombing, Madge takes her children to a big old house in Dorset where a weird man who calls himself “The Caretaker” has made the house a veritable wonderland for the Arwell kids. Since the Doctor is basically a giant kid himself, he knows better than anyone what kids would find fun.

Look, he calls himself "The Caretaker".  Wonder if THAT will ever pop up on Doctor Who again?  Since the Doctor is basically an idiot with the mind of a four-year-old (one who makes Rose Nylund on The Golden Girls look like Rene Descartes), he knows better than anyone what kids would find fun in a patronizing way. 

I particularly enjoyed the lemonade tap and the clockwork Christmas tree (I know).

The analytical critic Kyle Anderson has pretty much lost me at this point. 

He also gives them a special package which no child could resist. Madge isn’t too pleased with the Caretaker, but it’s perfectly understandable why.

Let's see if I got this straight: Madge thinks there's nothing wrong with a man crashing from outer space, but sees something REALLY wrong with an odd man who is the custodian of an old estate?  OK.  Now, maybe, just maybe, instead of the TARDIS being 'the wardrobe' in this faux-homage to C.S. Lewis' work, why not make the big blue box be the actual portal to another world?  Now, there's an idea!
 

In the night, the children leave their hammocks; Lily finds the Caretaker up in the attic with his “wardrobe” and Cyril tricks them, using the old bear and duvet, and opens the large blue package and enters a snow-covered forest.

What look like ornaments begin to form on the tree and Cyril takes one down. It begins to grow and hatches, and whatever’s inside grows further. Lily and the Caretaker chase after him, 20 minutes behind, and later Madge goes after them as well. Cyril tracks the tree thing to a large tower wherein he finds the king of the Treeple sitting in a throne and at the top, he finds the Treeple queen holding a metal crown, which she attempts to put on the boy. Lily and the Caretaker enter and see the trees are forming stars, which Lily finds so beautiful she begins to cry. Apparently, only humans cry when they’re happy.

In fairness, I agree: I cry tears of laughter at many a Kyle Anderson review.  The biggest laughing/crying fit came when he declared he had an 'analytical critic's mind'.  Now THAT'S comedy!

They then try to enter the top room to aid Cyril, but, wouldn’t ya know it, the sonic screwdriver still can’t do wood.

Oh, my kingdom for an ax...
 

Elsewhere, Madge runs into three guys from Halo, led by Bill Bailey. They ask what she’s doing in the forest and she begins to cry.

Lilly and Madge cry: one out of happiness, one out of despair.  I guess women are highly emotional and cry at the drop of a hat.  And what's all this talk of Steven Moffat being a sexist?!  Perish the thought. 

He tells her they’re from Androzani Major (best classic series reference ever) and that the forest will soon be subjected to acid rain to melt the trees down into a powerful energy source. Unfortunately, this whole thing will happen in five minutes so, once the video game guys get teleported away, it’s up to Madge to pilot the weird, three-legged machine to the tower to retrieve her children.

Curious how the Halo people didn't detect non-Treeple life floating about, isn't it?  Now we got some boring 'race against time' business. 

In the tower, the Treeple tell the Caretaker that they’re looking for someone to hold their energy to transport them away from the acid rain.

Cyril won’t do, and neither will the Caretaker. They’re too weak. Lily is strong but too young, apparently. Once Madge enters, it becomes clear that she’s perfect cuz she’s a woman… and a mother…. She puts on the crown and absorbs the entire forest and then the top of the tower takes off like a spaceship and ends up in the time vortex.

Lily is strong but too young...I seem to remember another Doctor Who story set in World War II Britain where a young-looking girl did have a child, and everyone lived.  Can't quite come to me...
 

In the vortex, the Caretaker tells Madge that she must think of home in order to go home and they are all shown the memories of Madge and Mr. Atwell meeting and falling in love and stuff. Then she sees the night he died and her children are finally cued in on what has really happened to their father.

Surprise, kids!  Daddy's Dead!  Happy Christmas!

Suddenly they land outside the Dorset house and the children demand to know the truth. The Caretaker comes out, but comes right back in with good news. Seems flying through the time vortex gave Mr. Atwell and his plane enough of a light to follow to safety.

Surprise again, kids!  Daddy's NOT Dead!  Steven Moffat has brought more people back from the dead than the guy whose birth is commemorated on the 25th of December and whom the British refuse to acknowledge has anything to do with Christmas!  I can see little tykes who did lose their father (or mother) in the Afghan or Iraq campaigns going to bed, wishing to the Doctor that he would bring their dead parents back from the other side. 

Again, people cry when they’re happy, and the Caretaker says “humany wumany” which is the kind of line I’m pretty damn tired of.

Timey-wimey was already insufferable (and continues to be a catch-all to explain all plot holes or continuity errors), but now we get 'humany wumany', which is just stupid, period.  "Humany wumany"?  It sounds like the Doctor is expressing a vaguely sexist/misogynistic worldview with the 'wumany' bit, as if saying women in general are emotionally unstable. 

Still, it was a nice moment.

Still, I'll suck up to The Moff.

Madge goes up to the attic to find the Doctor ready to leave again in the TARDIS. She then twigs that he was the silly spaceman from three years earlier.

Well, at least she managed to put it together before the end, so that's a plus.

Through their conversation, she convinces him that it’s not right for his friends to think he’s dead and he oughtn’t to spend Christmas alone. So lo and behold, the Doctor goes to the Ponds’ house.

So he goes and sees Amy's parents?  He certainly couldn't have gone to see Amy and Rory, since Rory's last name isn't "Pond".  It's "Williams".  That's been established. 
 

As I said earlier, there was a lot to like about this episode.

As I said earlier, there was a lot of stretching to find something to praise in this barbarism. 

First and foremost is Matt Smith as the Doctor/Caretaker. You’d think I’d get tired of singing his praises, and yet I never do.

First and foremost is Matt Smith as the Doctor/Caretaker.  You'd think I'd get tired of sucking up to him, and yet I never do.

He’s perfect in the role, plain and simple.

Come Again?!

Claire Skinner was likewise pretty wonderful as Madge. She came at the craziness of the situation from such a refreshingly naïve angle that I couldn’t help but chuckle, especially at her line about knowing what it’s like to be a forest.

Claire Skinner was wooden.

The kids were also pretty good.

Let's enjoy the fact that the child actors weren't monstrously awful, for we've had more than our fair share of bad child acting and we'll get more than our fair share of bad child acting in the future.   

Bill Bailey, Paul Bazely, and Arabella Weir as the Androzani people, while not in it very much, were pretty hysterical in their function of being a plot point.

The three people, who at least will get Con appearances out of this, didn't suck or suck too much time out of the story. 

The story itself was pretty imaginative, and I liked the design of the Treeple. In all the other Doctor Who Christmas specials, the Doctor has had to save a whole planet from an enormous threat, and even last year saw him having to save Amy, Rory, and a whole ship full of people. This year, however, was really just about the Doctor trying to make one family happy.

The Doctor's made so many families unhappy in recent years, disappointed in bad stories, bad acting, and just general badness.  It was nice, therefore, to see him aim to make someone else happy for a change.

I really liked the un-epic nature of the story while still maintaining a very fantastical and magical atmosphere.

I really liked the fact that compared to other Christmas stories, this was remarkably scaled down while still being far-out in terms of story.
 

If I have any complaints, weirdly and surprisingly, it’s with the plot.

There was a plot?!

It was very contrived and designed to do nothing else but tug on the heartstrings. That type of stuff doesn’t really work on me.

Sappy, sickeningly sentimental, trite, and intellectually weak, it was nothing more than an attempt to make me cry.  Normally, I do cry at Doctor Who stories because that's what Doctor Who stories are suppose to do (Rose's farewell to her faux-lover in Doomsday Part 2 being on the same level as Rick & Ilsa's farewell in Casablanca in some Whovians' minds).  This time, I wasn't impressed, a rarity I know, but there it is.

I also think it’s funny how Moffat’s attempt at being wholly unsexist results in a pretty darn sexist story. Men are stupid and useless and weak, don’t you know. It puts all the characters into very specific gender roles which it really didn’t need to. There could have been a better way to have Madge be the one to shepherd the Treeple’s consciousnesses away.

Wait a minute: Moffat actually ATTEMPTED to write a wholly unsexist story?!  Was that by accident?  Women are only important as they are breeders.  Men are stupid (see roly-poly Craig Owens, ICON).  This isn't going to help against charges that my Lord & Master is a sexist pig.  I can't figure out a way to cover for him this time, so I'll join the crowd, just this once, and hope that will give me leverage next time. 

I’m also slightly tiring of the “Everybody Lives, Rose” style of storytelling. Happy endings are fine, but not at the expense of narrative flow. This one was explained better than some, but it still was a bit of a cop out.

Geez, I'm getting tired of Moffat's infuriating ability to never kill off anyone.  It reached its nadir with The Many Deaths of Rory Williams (or Rory Pond), but here again, we get this fixation with avoiding death, as if Moffat were driven by a fear of the Reaper.  This one has a more wobbly than wibbly explanation, but it still seems silly and dumb, even for Doctor Who.

Not that I wanted a scene of children crying about their dead father, but there’s lots of kids whose parents weren’t saved by time vortexes who’ll be watching the episode.

Wonder how the little tykes who have dead daddies and mommies will be comforted on Christmas Day to be reminded that the Doctor isn't bringing THEIR parents back...

Also, do you think it’s a responsible move for the Doctor, who faked his death to go into hiding, to visit his last known companions on the most conspicuous day of the year?

Oh why not?  It's not like he has some granddaughter out there he could visit...

Despite these nitpicks, though, this episode succeeded in being a truly Christmassy and special Christmas special.
 



SHOCKED that Kyle Anderson liked a
Doctor Who episode!

Even the bits I didn’t really like only stuck with me for a moment.

Even the bits I know are stupid and inept I can ignore for the sake of pleasing others. 

The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe is an episode, like A Christmas Carol before it, that can truly be enjoyed by the whole family. It’s both timey and wimey without giving anyone a headache and, like a glass of eggnog and a Santa-shaped cookie, it can be imbibed, digested, and leaves you with a pleasant feeling in your belly.

The Doctor, the Widow, and the Wardrobe is an episode, like A Christmas Carol before it, that is a revolting bastardization of the original source material, one that can truly be enjoyed by dumb families.  It doesn't make sense like many Doctor Who stories, but since it's Christmas and most people are letting what's on the telly wash over them, it will be forgotten quickly.

 The only sad part is that now we have to wait until next August for another new episode. Egads.

C.S. Lewis: 1898-1963

C.S. Lewis would roll over in his grave if he could see what they've done to his masterpiece. 

Then again, in my world, Steven Moffat is a greater writer than Jack, or Tolkien, or Christie, or Austen, or Chaucer, or Shakespeare.  They're all hacks compared to The Moff.  Can I get my paycheck now, Mr. Hardwick, sir?
 

-Kanderson’s always pulling the old bear and duvet. Follow him on TWITTER

Aragon vs. Anderson: The Wedding of River Song

Now that I have a few minutes free, I thought I'd go back to one of my great passions...bashing The Whorist (or as it's generally known, The Nerdist), in particular their Doctor Who reviews by one Kyle Anderson.

Mr. Anderson (now doesn't that sound sinister) in my view, has rarely if ever met a Doctor Who post-Rose story that he hasn't loved.  I don't mean liked.  I mean L-O-V-E-D, to where that particular episode is the Best Doctor Who Episode of All Time...until the next episode when THAT becomes the Best Doctor Who Episode of All Time.  It's gotten to be almost a point of parody to see how Anderson rarely finds fault with a Doctor Who episode.  I don't mean just to nitpick on a few things.  I mean give a bona-fide negative review.  Even I, someone who has been vociferous in my condemnation for many NuWho episodes, do admit when I see a good one (like Flatline or Mummy on the Orient Express).  Anderson, however, will almost always find something to wax rhapsodic about, even on something as atrocious as In the Forest of the Night. 

I was intrigued by this, so a little research was required.  I went as far back as I could regarding Anderson's Doctor Who reviews, and the earliest one I could find was the Series/Season Six opener, The Impossible Astronaut.  What I've done is taken Kyle Anderson's review verbatim, and offered my own 'translation' to the text to see what Anderson is, in my view, really saying.  I also throw in my own thoughts as to what is being said.

I hope this will be a fun and informative journey into the strange mind of the Functioning Nerd.

I present Part 13 of The Nerdist as Whore: The Wedding of River Song .  My 'translations' are in red.

Is it possible for something to be at once surprising and yet totally predictable?
 

Yes, especially if Steven Moffat wrote it.

After watching Doctor Who’s sixth series finale, “The Wedding of River Song,” I was left wondering why we fans spent so long speculating about things.
 

After watching Doctor Who's sixth series finale, The Wedding of River Song, I was left wondering why we fans spent so long wasting our time with all this garbage. 

Essentially, everything was answered in the very way it was telegraphed to be since the riddles were posed in the first place.
 

Essentially, everything was answered in the very way everyone, especially non-Doctor Who fans, said it was going to from the beginning of the series/season. It was so obvious that when we got to this point, everything pretty much ended as we expected it to. 
 

It would be very easy to say that Steven Moffat took the easy way out,

Steven Moffat took the easy way out.

but after Series 5’s completely flabbergasting ending, complete with set-ups paid off in totally unforeseen ways, the most outlandish thing he could do to mess with all of our heads is to have the resolution be what we all assumed was too obvious. That they were red herrings was, itself, a red herring.

but I'm going to keep shilling for him by giving him cover.  You see, Steven Moffat is such a genius that the twist, the really big twist, was to make everything obvious.  In other words, the fact that there WAS no twist WAS the twist!  Isn't that a genius move by The Moff?  The fact that he was totally predictable was completely unexpected! 

Is this okay? Not necessarily.

Is this okay?  Absolutely not.  We NuWhovians have been fed this big idea that this was going to be a game changer, but what we got instead was obvious, predictable, and far too lazy.  It was a cheat.  I know it, you know, we know it, even The Moff knows it, but you won't hear me calling him out on that.   Chris Hardwick didn't raise no fool (and he'd cut my check off if I dared to).   

In many ways, the episode failed to live up to the promise of the phenomenally awesome opening two-parter, “The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon,” but in others it couldn’t have happened any other way.

In many ways, the episode failed to live up to the convoluted nature of the phenomenally disastrous opening two-parter, The Impossible Astronaut Parts 1 & 2, but in every other way there was simply no way to fix the mess Moffat had created.

The entire narrative took place in the split second between when River shoots the Doctor and when the Doctor dies, which is pretty neat in itself.

The whole thing took place in the literal blink of the eye between when the obvious killer of the Doctor shoots him and when the main character we knew wasn't going to die doesn't, which is all pretty awful in itself. 

While it wasn’t perfect, and in my opinion definitely needed a second viewing, the finale closed the book (I hope) on that chapter in the Eleventh Doctor’s reign.

It was by far one of the worst things I've seen on Doctor Who, and I'll watch it again so I can struggle to find something to praise and call Moffat's farts works of genius, but I hope that at long last we are through with this nonsensical storyline that wasted an entire season.

The episode begins at 5:02pm, April 22, 2011. Time is stuck, meaning everything is happening at once: Steam engines, Roman guards, Pterodactyls, and Emperor Winston Churchill. Churchill, being a pretty smart chap, realizes that time isn’t moving and so asks his Silurian physician to fetch the soothsayer, i.e. one who says sooths. I just looked up the word and “sooth” means “Truth or Reality.” So, throughout history, whenever a soothsayer has been called, they’re actually just calling a professional truth teller. The opposite of that, of course, are politicians. *Wackity-Schmackity-DOOO*

The opposite of a soothsayer, someone who is a professional truth teller, is this guy...

Anyway, the soothsayer is, of course, the Doctor,

Of course.  Who Else?  And this wonderful turn at this point in history occurred because...

and he enlightens Churchill on why time has stopped. It all starts with a woman. Say what you will about Steven Moffat, but he certainly knows how to depict strange anomalies of time.

It all starts with a woman.  Doesn't it always?  Say what you will about Steven Moffat (I choose to perpetually kiss his ass), but he certainly knows how to depict idiotic timey-wimey storylines. 

The realization of all time happening at once was quite spectacular.

The realization of all time happening at once was quite stupid.  Then again, since when was Doctor Who suppose to be logical? 

We see the return of Ian McNeice as Churchill, and it’s nice that he’s been given a chance to play the character again in an episode that isn’t utter bilge. (I know he was in “The Pandorica Opens,” but that was all filmed during “Victory of the Crap”)

We see the return of Ian McNeice as Churchill, and it's sad to see the greatest Prime Minister in British history dragged into an episode that is utter bilge.  I haven't forgiven Victory of the Crap (which is one of the rare negative reviews Anderson has actually given, though I was unable to locate it online.  Curious that....).

We then see what the Doctor did after he left Craig’s flat. He knows he must die at Lake Silencio, but he does not know why.

Maybe I'm jumping ahead, but isn't he suppose to die in Trenzalore?  The Doctor sure has a lot of places to die, doesn't he? 

He tracks down the Silence and runs across the Teselecta, the shape-shifting robot ship bounty hunter piloted by tiny people. The captain tells him about the “weak link” in the Silence, which turns out to be Gantok (played by Mark Gatiss under a pseudonym), a player of “Live Chess.”

In exchange for letting him live, Gantok will take the Doctor to where Dorium Maldovar (aka “The Blue Guy”) is laid to rest. He was beheaded by the Monks in “A Good Man Goes to War,” if you’ll remember, and so his head is now in a box. Apparently, if the Monks behead you, your head stays alive and the crypt is full of carnivorous skulls, which eventually devour the conniving Gantok.

Seeing Mark Gatiss devoured by carnivorous skulls?  Maybe this isn't such a bad episode after all!

Dorium’s head tells the Doctor that Silence MUST fall when the question is asked, because the answer to the question must never be spoken. Blah blah blah.

Yeah, yeah, Moff....get on with it.

The Doctor takes Dorium’s head in the box aboard the TARDIS, where he still feels like he has time to do what he wants before he has to die. After all, he’s in a time machine; he can do whatever he likes. He can help Rose Tyler with her homework or go to all of Jack’s stag parties on the same night. He’s pretty boss, if you think about it. He then calls an old buddy to go gallivanting around with, and finds that his dear friend, Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, has passed away. It’s this realization — time waits for no one — which causes the Doctor to finally accept his fate. I thought this moment was one of the best of the episode.

The episode threw a nod at the passing of one of the most iconic Doctor Who characters, but mercifully Nicholas Courtney or the Brigadier weren't dragged into the horror that became NuWho.

As a classic Who fan, I always adored the Brigadier, and was deeply saddened when Nicholas Courtney passed away, as I think most fans were. That they chose to not only reference it in a new series finale, but also make it the motivation for the Doctor to stop running, is monumental. What a nice sendoff to such a beloved character.

Oh, Kyle.  If you think THAT was a nice sendoff to such a beloved character like the Brigadier, have I got a BIGGER surprise for you in a couple year's time, one I'm sure you and all Classic Who fans will absolutely LOVE...

Matt Smith played the scene wonderfully. I don’t know if he ever met Courtney in real life, but you really felt like he’d lost a friend. Understatement of the Year: Matt Smith is a damn good actor.

Understatement of the Millennium: Kyle Anderson will always praise Matt Smith no matter how awful he is (though perhaps Smith hit his broken clock minute here). 

Then we find out that, yes, River Song is the one in the astronaut suit, and yes, she does kill the Doctor even though she doesn’t want to.

WHAT?  River Song is the assassin?!  Captain Renault, any thoughts?

But wait!

THERE'S MORE!

She decides she can change history, even though it’s a fixed point in time.

If we've learned anything about NuWho, is that there is no such thing as a fixed point in time anymore.  Timey-wimey spacey-waysy can change anything to fit into some megalomaniac's ideas of epic. 

This is what causes the alternate timeline full of everything. There, the Doctor and Churchill find themselves fighting an enemy they can’t remember and eventually see a swarm of Silents hanging from the ceiling. I still say they are the creepiest villains the new series has produced, slightly edging above the Weeping Angels in my book simply because they look like things I used to dream about and be terrified by as a child.

Perhaps it's just me, but should we really judge the effectiveness of Doctor Who monsters based on the childhood dreams of Kyle Anderson? 

Just then, a bunch of soldiers burst in led by an eye patch-wearing Pond, Amelia Pond. Eye patches make people remember the Silents.

Gee, why didn't they think of this before?  The Silence isn't so terrifying now that we can remember to keep one eye open, one closed, right?

She can remember the other timeline because remembering things like that is what she does. She takes the Doctor aboard her steam train office to Area 52, which is in an Egyptian pyramid. Awesome? Yes.

Stupid? Yes.  On a more serious note, exactly how, when, why did Amelia Pond become this revolutionary to fight in this particular timeframe, or am I overthinking things?

There Amy and Captain Williams (yes, it’s Rory)

WHAT'S THIS?  Rory's last name ISN'T POND?!  Call me shocked!

show the Doctor all the Silents they have trapped in water tanks. He also sees River and a tied-up Madame Kovarian. River and the Doctor are at the epicenter of the temporal disturbance and if they touch, it’ll short out and time will start ticking again in the right place. River, being the obstinate tart she is, doesn’t want to fix the problem, even if it means the entire universe will disintegrate, because she loves him and stuff.

OK, here I concede that Anderson is right: River is an obstinate tart.  She is a selfish, obsessed bitch who is willing to freeze the universe because she is mentally unstable and has a fixation on a being who has shown no interest in her (despite all their 'dates').  Seriously, why would the Doctor want that woman in any way: mentally, sexually, what have you?  She isn't smart, she isn't beautiful, she isn't accomplished (let us remember she went into archaeology not because she found it fascinating, but to find a good man).  She is not the Doctor's intellectual equal and the idea that she inspires lust in the Doctor is a nuttier idea than most of the convoluted plots that The Moff comes up with.  I've never believed River Song genuinely loves the Doctor because she hasn't shown an ability to love anyone apart from herself (which she does plenty of).  All she is is a catchphrase or two ("Spoilers" and "Hello, Sweetie"), and I know a lot of NuWhovians think that's brilliant, but I personally require more than catchphrases to make an interesting character.  Ever notice Sarah Jane Smith didn't have a particular catchphrase?

Capt. Williams is worried that the Silents all seem to be far more active now that the Doctor is there and Madame Kovarian laughs in her “I’m evil for no reason” way and says that they weren’t trapped at all, but waiting for the Doctor to arrive.

Ooh, a big twist.  Totally unexpected. 

The creepy, suit-wearing things break out and the eye patches all begin shorting out and killing folk, including Kovarian herself. Rory very nearly dies at the hands of the Silents, but Amy shows up with a machine gun and kills them all. This paid off the whole “Rory always dies” thing for the most part.

Yeah, we're all getting tired of making Rory the go-to guy for being killed off, but I'm pretty sure he'll die again later on down the road.  It didn't pay off at all.

Amy then kills Kovarian by not helping her, saying that River didn’t get “it” all from the bad lady.

Insanity runs in the family.

River then shows the Doctor a temporal beacon thing that she’s used to send a call for help throughout the universe, outside of the time bubble in which they are. This pisses off the Doctor and embarrasses him, though the universe apparently is entirely willing to help. She just didn’t want the Doctor to die before knowing how loved he is. This is sort of the antithesis of “The Pandorica Opens.” Instead of everyone that hates him teaming up, everyone that likes him agrees to help.

And where were all these beings when he was getting locked up in the Pandorica?  Fine time for THEM to help out. 

It’s unnecessary, however, as the Doctor decides to marry River.

And in the "Stupid Decisions" Department...

This still doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.

This makes no sense to me on any level: storywise, intellectually, erotically.  Yes, I know I'm into cougars, but still...River Song?!

Why did they have to get married to make out?

Why buy the cow when, you know...

The answer is, they didn’t. Other than the fact that it’s always been suggested that she’s his wife, there’s no reason why at that moment they had to do a makeshift wedding.

Throughout their whole convoluted storyline which now is totally torn to shreds beyond repair, there's never been any real suggestion that The Doctor and River Song is this great Love Story my Lord and Master The Moff is insisting it is.  In all their encounters she comes off as less a woman in love and more a woman obsessed in a bunny-boiler style.  They had to get married because Moffat through Song insists they are, but at this moment there is no reason to have them pair up.   There's never been a reason to have them pair up, but whatevs...

Before that point, he whispers a secret into her ear which he says is his name. Then they make out.

And an entire generation is traumatized....

Then time starts going again. Then she kills him and all the rest of the season happens.

Sometime later, River, fresh off the crash of the Byzantium, appears in Amy’s backyard where her mother is waiting for her. They compare notes about when they are and River decides to tell Amy the secret which the Doctor told her. The Doctor lies, of course,

Of course, despite all evidence to the contrary throughout the first forty-odd years of Canon...

and he didn’t tell her his name.

Two things: either he WILL tell her his name sometime in the future (or her past, which still makes this story idea nonsense because if he's told her in the past she would have remembered it prior to her sham marriage) or the entire "River Song knows the Doctor's name" was a lie from the get-go, a major story arc that Moffat in his typical ineptitude forgets and won't bother addressing again, finding it insulting that anyone would dain to suggest he is anything other than the brilliant mind who created Sherlock Holmes out of whole cloth. 

River also lies, she says, and has had to pretend she doesn’t know stuff she already knows all the time. Hey, guess what: the Doctor’s alive.

NO!  Well, break out the smelling salts.  Never saw THAT one coming!

He got on board the Teselecta and made it look like him and then that Doctor died but the real little one inside the ship could get away. As he puts Dorium’s head back in the crypt, he says that he wants the universe to think that he’s dead, that he’s been too high-profile and is going to go back to skulking around the galaxy on his own, or at least not being so visible, setting the stage for the next series which promises to be more standalone and less arc heavy.

Given this is Steven Moffat we're talking about, I find the idea of more standalone and less arc heavy episodes hard to believe.

Still, though, Dorium reminds the Doctor, and us, that the “fall of the eleventh” is still ahead and the question that must never be answered is “Doctor WHO?”

Oh, there's that damn "Doctor Who?" joke that Moffat finds funny.  Well, Moff, to quote The Great Morrissey...

 

Rule one: The Doctor lies. Rule zero should be: Steven Moffat lies. My real problem with this episode is the “big reveal,” simply because it’s Moffat fucking lying to us.

And you believed Steven Moffat?

Honestly Kyle, why are YOU so upset?  You keep eating Moffat's shit at every turn and have been one of his biggest lackeys.  Why are YOU suddenly getting all huffy about Moffat being unable or unwilling to play fair or logical with his story arcs?  YOU, of all people, should be telling us how brilliant it all is.  You're a hopeless apologist for The Moff, and now here you are, expressing faux-outrage at what we all know is a pack of lies and nonsense.  It's too late to board the Honesty Express, Kyle. 

I could write off the fact that River in the space suit was the obvious answer, and I could let go that they got married like everyone expected them to, which is another obvious answer, and the info-dump scene itself in the garden was actually kind of nice.

I ALWAYS write off the obvious if it comes from Moffat.

I could even let slide the fact that we still do not know why the Silence wanted the Doctor dead, nor who caused the TARDIS to explode in Series 5.

Oh, good grief are you STILL on that?!

I’m fairly confident that we’ll never learn these answers, and I don’t really care at this point.

Personally, I don't think you cared at ANY point, more fascinated you were with the spectacle of it all than the logic, despite your 'analytical critic's mind'.  I've learned that when it comes to the plot knots Moffat creates, either with his own writing or overseeing others, there are no answers possible or plausible.  You, Kyle, should learn to let go too.

What I cannot embrace, though, is the entire crux of the season-long storyline, where the Doctor dies, was the biggest cop out since the floating Christ figure ending of Series 3. After “The Impossible Astronaut” ended, Moffat was quoted as saying that what we saw was indeed the real Doctor and that he was indeed really killed. Well, no, he fucking was not.

 

My goodness but you are stupid, Kyle.  NO ONE believed The Doctor was really going to die.  I figured that it was going to be the Teselecta long before you did.  You, sir, were in denial of the obvious and it isn't my fault that you are such a whore you refused to acknowledge that the truth was going to be what non-Whovians were saying all along.

From the introduction of the Gangers in the first part of the series and the Teselecta in the second part, the idea of the Doctor having a double became all-encompassing. In fact, at one time or another, all of the main characters had another version of themselves running around (except Rory, who is above such things)

Rory doesn't need a double.  He dies so often it be rather redundant to create two figures who constantly drop dead.

and they were really hammering home that idea. But all the while I kept thinking, “nah, it’s not gonna be a Ganger or a Teselecta; it’s going to be more complex than that. Moffat said the Doctor died and I’m going to believe that.”

That, surely, was my mistake.

Rather surprising for an analytical critic like yourself.  However, let me set your mind at ease, Kyle.  It wasn't your mistake.  The payola got in the way.

When this episode began, and the “previously on” material started playing, heavily featuring the Teselecta Amy from “Let’s Kill Hitler,” the idea was planted in my head that it would surely play some part in the proceedings, but couldn’t possibly be the answer.

Sometimes, the most obvious answer is the truth.

Then, when the Doctor met them again while searching for the Silence, again I thought it was too easy. And then, the big ending happens, and we see that the Doctor is in a Doctor suit and that IT got killed and not him, I was angry.

Just imagine all of us who don't have analytical critic's minds?  Think how we, of average intelligence, felt when we saw that nonsense spread before us by the man you consistently tout as a genius, this generation's Rod Serling, one who ranks alongside William Shakespeare.

Do Teselecta’s regenerate? Do they have regenerative energy? I fucking doubt it!!

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.  Don't you know: Teselecta CAN regenerate...if The Moff says they can!  His word is law.  He decides what is Canon and what isn't.  If Story B contradicts Story A, then both can be Canon if The Moff says so.  End of discussion.  Why get your knickers all in a twist now?

So how did they fake that? When the astronaut shoots the Doctor in the very first episode of the series, one of the best scenes ever produced, the Doctor very clearly starts to regenerate and then gets shot again before he can, killing him permanently. Then they burn his body.

Which would cause him great pain because he would still be conscious of being set on fire, but that's for another time...

But, I guess it’s okay because it was just a shape-shifting android suit.

Those kinds of excuses have worked before, so why stop now?  Why get all high and mighty at this point when before, you thought it was all so clever?

Did I think the Doctor would actually be dead? Of course not. I knew there was some way out of it, because the show’s not getting canceled, but to have the climax of the entire story arc literally just be “Hey, can I borrow your car?” is beyond frustrating. It spits in the face of not only fans, but completely taints the greatness of the opening two-parter, which was some of the best writing Moffat’s ever done.

I'll debate that whole "best writing Moffat's ever done" line, but for once, Kyle Anderson actually is being honest.

Am I the only one shocked too?

News flash here, folks! Moffat does not have a plan. He might have had one at some point, but it went way off the rails along the way.

News flash here, Kyle!  Moffat NEVER had a plan.  He just makes things up as he goes along, and it's even more bizarre and outrageous when you stop to think he had time to plan all this out logically but refused to because NuWhovians willingly swallow his shit and he has shills like you to promote it.

I still love the series, I still love the era, and I even generally like this episode (though a second viewing was required).

SHOCKED that Kyle Anderson liked a
Doctor Who episode!

Hell, I still really like Steven Moffat’s work as a whole. He’s incredibly innovative from a storytelling standpoint and continues to make compelling, thought-provoking television. I’m glad he’s showrunning my favorite show.

I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry, Chris Hardwick and Steven Moffat.  I forgot who was paying my bills.  I lost my head there for a few minutes.  Having recovered from my temporary insanity, I shall go back to praising my boss' works, though I'll throw out some little critiques to show that I'm somewhat impartial.  However, let me get this straight.  You just went off on a tear about how awful all this was, how insulting it was to the fans, and yet you end up liking this episode and Moffat's work as a whole?  That's as convoluted as well, a Steven Moffat Doctor Who story! 

But, man, did he screw the pooch on this ending. There’s a Christmas episode coming up in a few months and then we get to wait until October of 2012 for the next series to start. Hopefully by then Moffat will pull his head out of his ass.

Oh, Kyle must have really been upset to say something like that.  I've been saying that for years, yet no one declares ME an expert.  Of course, I don't get paid by the BBC to write near-glowing reviews of almost everything they put out. 

As for Steven Moffat pulling his head out of his ass, I wouldn't bet on that, especially when he has folks like Kyle Anderson to rim said ass.

What’ll we do in the intervening months/year? Well, there’s nearly 50 years of content to talk about; I’m sure I can come up with something Doctor Who-related to write about for you lovely people to enjoy.

Stick to the Classic Who DVDs.  Much better than this crapfest I push at you.

-Kanderson is sorry for yelling. He’s not mad at you. Please follow him on TWITTER

Kanderson is sorry for promoting shit like this.  He's not mad at you.  He's mad at himself for turning into such a whore.  Please follow him on TWITTER.