Please Get Me to the Church on Time. Doctor Who Story 182: The Runaway Bride

STORY 182: THE RUNAWAY BRIDE

It has been a long time since I've touched a Tenth Doctor story.  This is especially true with anything post Love & Monsters, as I was so disgusted and horrified by that episode that I essentially quit watching Doctor Who until Tennant left.  Now, I think it is time I return to those 'lost episodes' and complete the Tenth Doctor retrospective.  With that, I go to his first story of Season Three: the Christmas special, The Runaway Bride. 

The Runaway Bride is a curiosity in the Doctor Who Christmas special category in that it actually has little to nothing to do with Christmas.  While technically set on December 24 or 25, the actual celebration of Christmas is irrelevant to the story.  It might just as well have taken place at Easter, or the Queen's Birthday, or Yom Kippur, or Eid al-Fitr, or Super Bowl Sunday, or any other holy day.  There were brief mentions of it, the return of the Killer Clauses from The Christmas Invasion, but really Christmas was not important to The Runaway Bride.  It's as if, for once, NuWho figured out that maybe we could have a Doctor Who Christmas special that was more Doctor Who and less Christmas. 

What a concept!

The Doctor (David Tennant) still in deep mourning for his former Companion Rose Tyler, finds himself stunned to see a woman in a wedding dress suddenly appear in the TARDIS.  Said woman, Donna Noble (Catherine Tate) is equally stunned...and furious!  Shouty and angry, she is outraged that she has been abducted as she was walking down the aisle with Don Gilet (Lance Bennett).  The Doctor manages to land on Earth and she angrily storms off to get back to her wedding.  The Doctor is still puzzled as to how any of this could be going on, but he also sees the Killer Santa Clauses from The Christmas Invasion coming his way.  He rescues Donna (who has been taken by one of the Killer Santa Clauses) and they go up on the roof to allow for the TARDIS to recover.

Soon, the Doctor finds that Donna has massive amounts of huon particles in her system (which is how she found herself aboard the TARDIS, her particles being drawn to the TARDIS').  At the wedding reception (which is taking place despite there being no wedding and no Donna), the latter is more upset and there are literal wedding crashers: the Killer Clauses.  Another escape and with a reluctant Don they go back to HC Clements, the company where both Don and Donna work.

It's only now that I realize that the bride and groom share a name: Don/Donna.  Make of that what you will.

Well, there we encounter the Empress of the Racnoss (Sarah Parish), a combo spider-lobster type creature who is behind all this and, in an uncharacteristic move on Doctor Who, is 'the last of her kind'.  Seriously, we're only about three seasons in and already this 'last of their kind' thing has already become a cliché.

The Empress worked with Don to use Donna as a human 'key', Don slipping huon particles into her coffee as he endured her besotted nature. In truth, he cannot tolerate Donna, her obsession with pop culture particularly grating to him. The Empress now is determined to bring about the return of her 'babies' the eggs laying deep within the Earth.  The fact that the Time Lords wiped her community out will only make her victory over the Doctor all the more sweet.  Well, both Doctor and Donna escape, leaving poor Don as the only substitute for the key from the Head of Human Resources. A quick trip to the formation of the Earth shows that the Racnoss placed themselves in the Earth's core and now the Doctor and Donna are going to take on The Empress.

To show his compassionate side, the Doctor offers the Empress and her children a planet where they can live away from the humans.  She refuses and is determined to conquer Earth.  With that, the Doctor strikes: flooding the secret lair and drowning all the baby Racnosses.  The Empress escapes onto her waiting ship (which looks like a big Christmas star) but on orders of "Mr. Saxon" it is destroyed.  Donna declines the Doctor's offer of being the Companion, and the Doctor sails off.

As I ponder The Runaway Bride, I see the flaws and virtues of the Revived Doctor Who Era all wrapped up in it.  Neither horrifying or brilliant, on the whole it worked well and I cannot fault it for that. 

There were things I didn't like at all.  A big problem was that almost everything felt very rushed and frenetic, down to the music (oh, Murray Gold...will you ever gain my heart).  The music, the pacing, the wild hysterics of Tate and Tennant did make this look like a comedy (or at least what they were aiming for).  Perhaps it was, and I missed the point of this Christmas Special: that it was suppose to be funny.

However, I didn't laugh, and sometimes I found Donna grating in her bossy, shouty demeanor. 

Then again, I go to the scene up on the roof, about the only moment in The Runaway Bride where things were calm and paced.  This was a wonderful moment, precisely because it was all calm and still.  It allowed for character development and exploration, and a chance for these two characters to show a range beyond frenetic (The Doctor) and shouty (Donna).  Here, the Doctor's mourning for Rose doesn't quite appear to be the LOVE story NuWhovians clamor for, but instead a loss of a Companion, a mate, a way to ward off the loneliness.  Donna for her part, does her own version of I Remember It Well when it comes to her own story: not remembering any of the big events that took place in Doctor Who and showing that perhaps what the Doctor needs isn't romance, it's a friend. 

Amidst all the running and leaping about, I find it interesting that the best scene is when you DON'T have any running and leaping about, just two figures, talking, sharing their emotions, fears, hopes, without any craziness about them.  We're even allowed a few moments of gentle comedy when the Doctor presents Donna a ring to protect her, not an engagement ring.

There were also good lines that were amusing and clever.  "Only a madman talks to thin air, and trust me, you don't want to get me mad," The Doctor says.  Another one to note is when the Doctor says, "Director of Human Resources.  This time, it's personnel", a pun I've grown fond of.

In terms of performances I think Tennant did a real good job here.  He got the frenetic, slightly comic part down, but when he is a Menacing Doctor, he is equally effective.  Tate's character was meant to be slightly grating, so she too did an excellent job as the storming Donna. 

If ONLY we didn't get such familiar tropes in The Runaway Bride.  The 'last of their kind' business.  A bizarre monster who wasn't all that interesting (and her saying such things as "Eat you up, all snick and snack" doesn't make me take her any more seriously as a threat).   The 'dumb' boyfriend (though making Don a villain was a nice change...albeit expected, who else could have done it given the shortness of time).

I give Russell T Davies credit in doing what no other Christmas Special would do: not center the episode around Christmas.  In this Christmas, it isn't snowing (except at the end) and they are not celebrating Christmas.  In fact, Donna explains the reason she is marrying on Christmas Day is precisely because she HATES Christmas, so she'd rather celebrate that than the Birth of Christ.

Also, the spaceship looking like a Christmas Star...no go for me.

I think The Runaway Bride was meant to be a nod to the past (Killer Clauses) and a teaser for the upcoming season (dropping the "Mr. Saxon" business was meant to tie this in to the future).  I guess you could say this was a bit of filler between the past and the future.

Not horrible like future Christmas Specials, not wonderful either, The Runaway Bride kind of sits in the middle.  Given how dire the show will become, that's really not a bad place to be.

6/10

Next Episode: Smith & Jones

Aragon vs. Anderson: The Day of The Doctor

Now that I have a few minutes free, I thought I'd go back to one of my great passions...bashing The Whorist (or as it's generally known, The Nerdist), in particular their Doctor Who reviews by one Kyle Anderson.

Mr. Anderson (now doesn't that sound sinister) in my view, has rarely if ever met a Doctor Who post-Rose story that he hasn't loved. I don't mean liked. I mean L-O-V-E-D, to where that particular episode is the Best Doctor Who Episode of All Time...until the next episode when THAT becomes the Best Doctor Who Episode of All Time. It's gotten to be almost a point of parody to see how Anderson rarely finds fault with a Doctor Who episode. I don't mean just to nitpick on a few things. I mean give a bona-fide negative review. Even I, someone who has been vociferous in my condemnation for many NuWho episodes, do admit when I see a good one (like Flatline or Mummy on the Orient Express). Anderson, however, will almost always find something to wax rhapsodic about, even on something as atrocious as In the Forest of the Night.

I was intrigued by this, so a little research was required. I went as far back as I could regarding Anderson's Doctor Who reviews, and the earliest one I could find was the Series/Season Six opener, The Impossible Astronaut. What I've done is taken Kyle Anderson's review verbatim, and offered my own 'translation' to the text to see what Anderson is, in my view, really saying. I also throw in my own thoughts as to what is being said.

I hope this will be a fun and informative journey into the strange mind of the Functioning Nerd.

I present Part 29 of The Nerdist as Whore: The Day of The Doctor. My 'translations' are in red.

Review: Top 13 Things in THE DAY OF THE DOCTOR



SHOCKED that Kyle Anderson liked a
Doctor Who episode!

It's not even worth being shocked.  This isn't going to be a review of The Day of The Doctor.  This is going to be a fanboy orgasm.  The title alone says it all: "Top 13 Things in The Day of The Doctor".  He isn't going to state whether something was wrong.  He isn't go to comment about how The Day of The Doctor, if you think short and easy on it, doesn't make sense on just about any level.  He certainly isn't going to talk about how again, established Canon is pretty much thrown out the window, and not just pre-Rose Canon but NuWho Canon too.  Instead, Anderson will regale you with 13 things (one for each Doctor, no doubt imagining himself clever) that were great about it. 

It’s sometimes the most difficult to review a thing you love unconditionally.

Actually, for you it isn't, especially since you've loved every Doctor Who episode since The Power of Three, making now 12 straight episodes that have received positive reviews (and yes, your notice for Cold War, which got a "mild like" from you and which you stated you'd "definitely watch again", counts as a positive review).  I've come across many television episodes and films that I've absolutely loved, and oddly, I found it easier to review those than those I've hated...like The Day of The Doctor.

How can you quantify unmitigated adoration in anything approaching coherent speech?

I'm sure you can find a way, Kyle.  You've been doing it for at least two series/seasons now.  Also, your speech in terms of your 'reviews' have never approached coherence. 

I mused on Twitter following the airing of “The Day of the Doctor,” the 50^th anniversary special of Doctor Who,

the "50th" anniversary special of Doctor Who...

that my review here on Nerdist.com would be little more than “AAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Well, in fairness, I know many Doctor Who fans had the exact same reaction, except that phrase was expressing fury and outrage.  Don't think that was your meaning.

and in the time since I tweeted up to now, I really haven’t found anything more articulate or profound than that.

My theory as to that?  You are neither articulate or profound. 

After going through each and every story in the Companion’s Companion over the last few months, I worried that my love of the show and the wonders it possesses would lessen as I was forced to think about it critically over and over.

Are we back to that "I'm an analytical critic" garbage again?  Seriously Kyle, do you HONESTLY believe you are anywhere near an 'analytical" anything? Lest you forget, from your own words...

On A Good Man Goes to War: ""“A Good Man Goes to War,” the mid-series finale of Doctor Who, was full of action and cool new characters, but there wasn’t, strictly speaking, a “plot.” Yet this isn’t necessarily a bad thing".  You, analytical critic who prides himself on separating his unabashed fandom from his cold eye, just said that the lack of a plot was not necessarily a bad thing.  I can't imagine critics like Roger Ebert or even Richard Roeper saying that a film not having a plot was not necessarily a bad thing.

On Doctor Who's Seventh Series/Season: "It really only had a few missteps for me, but I almost don't care at this point".  Despite your own tacit acknowledgment that it had a few missteps, you state you don't care about them.  Oh, Kyle, what are we going to do with you?    

I also worried that the special would let me down in some way, like I’d built it up too much in my head for it to be anything more than a bit of a disappointment. What a dumb dummy I was.

As I had worked on this off-and-on, it looks like YouTube is being prickly by not letting me put in the original Vincent Price Laugh.  I hope this will work as a substitute. 

So, instead of merely gushing for a few paragraphs, I’ve decided to tell you my 13 (yes, thirteen) favorite things about “The Day of the Doctor,” and also the one (only one) thing I was mildly disappointed by.

What would that one (only one) thing that Anderson was mildly disappointed by be?
A lack of logic?
A lack of plot? (We already know the answer to that one)?
The total destruction of established Canon and what little continuity Doctor Who had up till now? 

1. All three of the main Doctors got ample screentime/quips/moments
With something like this, it’s going to be very difficult to give every character his due, especially when one is the current star, one is the very beloved former star,

The only Doctor most of your target audience are aware of...

and one is a brand new version played by a screen legend.

Broken Clock: John Hurt IS a Legend.

Steven Moffat was able to give them all the proper due and none were left out. It’s the story of THE Doctor, not just the Eleventh, Tenth, or War one.

 

2. It made sense for Billie Piper to be there

 

 

Something that could have been really weird is having the character of Rose Tyler actually in the proceedings. She’s already gotten three quite-good sendoffs from the show, so having her back would have messed that up a bit, and would have meant either a) it would be she and the Tenth Doctor from Series 2, or b) it would have meant she’d somehow been brought back between “Journey’s End” and “The End of Time,” which also wouldn’t have worked. She got to be the Doctor’s conscience, which is what Rose always was, but in a way that didn’t bother with screwing up her storyline. Genius.

Yes, I suppose it made sense in having the character of Rose Tyler be there, even if the Ninth/"War" Doctor would have no idea who she was.  It made sense because she is the First Companion the target audience of this Eight Anniversary Special would know. 

They could have cast this person to be the Doctor's conscience.  Then again, if you have to ask "Who is this old broad?", you simply have no reason to call yourself a Doctor Who fan.   

3. It rewrote and changed games without lessening the past

 

 

It’s integral to the Ninth and Tenth Doctor’s tenures that they believe they destroyed their own people to end the war. The battle-scarred nature of their journeys depends on them having done this horrible thing. In this, we’re able to get a hopeful resolution to the Time War without taking away the sacrifices and choices made because he thought he’d done something dreadful.

We really can't fix what Russell T Davies gave us, so we are going to essentially do a reboot within a mere eight years after the series' debut.  Now, they will have convenient memory lapses about Gallifrey while we all keep pretending that everything makes sense.  Never mind that having this twist really does rob us not just of continuity but also of the pathos that the Ninth/Tenth, Tenth/Eleventh, and Eleventh/Twelfth Doctors went through.  So long as we get to reset everything, it's all cool.   

4. Matt Smith, David Tennant, and John Hurt TOGETHER

In all of the multi-Doctor stories (just three of them)

The Three Doctors for the Tenth Anniversary
The Five Doctors for the Twentieth Anniversary
The Two Doctors...for the heck of it.

that came prior to this, the best relationship/banter had been between the Second and Third Doctors. Patrick Troughton and Jon Pertwee had a great adversarial snap and were always taking the piss out of each other. Here, Tennant and Smith do a bit of that, but are also seen to get along really well at times and are like the best cop-movie duo in history.

No, they don't.  There is no real adversarial snap between Tennant and Smith, more like a pissing contest than anything else.  For the most part, they are quite cooperative of each other, which takes away from the whole point of having two different Doctors facing each other.  It does show that for all intents and purposes, Tennant and Smith were pretty much cut from the same cloth.     

John Hurt is both the younger man and the older man in this instance, and the disapproving glare with a twinkle in his eye as his “mid-life crises” do their dashing thing is especially grin-inducing.

Sorry, misread that.  I thought Anderson said 'groan-inducing', which would have been closer to the truth.

It’s like he is us for a little bit as he makes fun of the way they point their screwdrivers at things (“What are you going to do, assemble a cabinet at them?”) and wear “sandshoes” and “dickey bows.”

In other words, even the Ninth/"War" Doctor cannot take them seriously, and neither can we. 

5. Clara rocked!

 

 

WHY OH WHY DID YOU TAKE AWAY MY VINCENT PRICE LAUGH, OH FOUL YOUTUBE?

 

Clara is my favorite companion of the new series hands down and it’s for things like what happened in this special.

Clara is the Companion that has given me the most wet dreams hands down (eventually), and it's not for the fact that she isn't all that important to the goings-on.

I figured she wouldn’t have too much to do with the three titans around, but she is in many ways the reason they’re able to be better in the end than burning all the 2.75 billion children of Gallifrey.

Clara cried, and reset a time-locked event by the power of her weeping. 

And really, 2.75 BILLION children on Gallifrey?   

6. The Queen Elizabeth I stuff
This special tied up the loose end of Queen Elizabeth I knowing the Doctor (in “The Shakespeare Code”) and hating him before he knows he’s done anything. You’d be pissed off, too, if your husband ran off for a couple of decades.

Oh, I'm sure the future Mrs. Anderson would find that a pretty sweet deal. 

Joanna Page got a bit of the short shrift as more of a plot character than a thematic one, but she really did a great job as both the real QEI and the Zygon version.

Joanna Page was horrible as the hammy, screeching Virgin Queen, and after seeing her in this, it's clear why she remained a Virgin Queen.

7. Speaking of, the Zygons!

It was so lovely to see these beloved one-off villains (from 1975’s “Terror of the Zygons”) return and not be merely a cameo.

It just isn't the same, is it?

They, not the Daleks, are the bad guys of the special, and they’re just as creepy and effective as they were back then. Fans had wanted their return since they appeared, and here we have them in all their gooey, suction-cuppy glory. Also funny, the Tenth Doctor could never figure out who or what was a Zygon.

In fairness, neither could the writer, but we can't have it all, can we?

8. UNIT!

I love the UNIT years anyway, and I thought having Jemma Redgrave brought in as the Brigadier’s daughter in “The Power of Three” was a wonderful touch.

Yes, so she can remind us over and over whose daughter she is.

I hope UNIT returns many times, seeing as the Doctor now has a desk. The character of Osgood, clearly a Doctor Who fan, was also a welcome addition.

The character of Osgood, clearly a parody of Doctor Who fans, was pure fan service.

Love for her to come back too.

Oh, I'm sure it will. IT will.

9. The throwback opening titles
What better way to celebrate 50 years of Doctor Who than by starting the episode with the original main theme and titles?

Like any of the NuWho fans have ever bothered to watch anything from An Unearthly Child to Survival.

And fading to reveal the policeman walking by Coal Hill School,

which again, would be lost on just about everyone in their bow ties and fezzes...

seeing that Ian Chesterton is the headmaster of the school, and knowing that Clara is now a teacher there, are all frigging wonderful.

Of course, despite the fact that William Russell, who played Ian Chesterton, is still alive, the "50th" Anniversary Special couldn't bother to bring him into it.  Of course, the fact that the First Companion and the Last Companion work together has never entered the Doctor's mind.  He's never bothered to visit or look in on Mr. Chesterton, let alone ask whatever happened to Miss Wright. 

10. It took the piss out of itself
Doctor Who is the best show ever,

Yes, Kyle.  Doctor Who is the BEST SHOW EVER.

Doctor Who is the best show ever,

Yes, Kyle.  Doctor Who is the BEST SHOW EVER.

Doctor Who is the best show ever,

Yes, Kyle.  Doctor Who is the BEST SHOW EVER.

but it also does a LOT of silly things.

Timey-wimey?
Contradict itself?
Tell us, oh analytical critic, what 'silly things' does the 'best show ever' do?

All of Moffat’s sly jabs at the goofier parts of the show, and especially of the new series, were brilliant. The jokes about kissing, the aforementioned sonic screwdriver joke, the whole thing where the Doctors overthink how to break out of the cell in the Tower without actually trying the door first, and “chinny” and “skinny” were all terrific.

Right. 

11. It somewhat redeemed the Tenth Doctor’s regeneration
As I’ve said a billion times, I really hated the Tenth Doctor’s regeneration because I felt like it made him seem weak and unheroic, and sort of not giving Smith and Moffat a proper welcome with his tearful line of “I don’t want to go.”

Broken Clock: The End of Time was wimpy and weepy, but it did fit into the overall Tennant tenure.

This was, of course, more RTD’s doing than Tennant's,

I will never blame Steven Moffat for anything, because I'm his lapdog.  Kyle Anderson goes beyond plain ass-kissing into straight-up rimming of "The Moff". 

and here, as the Tenth Doctor leaves, we have two wonderful moments that take a bit of it back. One, he says “It’s good to see my future’s in safe hands,”

Odd that Kyle, resident Whovian at The Nerdist, didn't mention that this line either comes or is similar to what the First Doctor said to the others at the end of The Five Doctors. 

and two, when he says “I don’t want to go” again and the Eleventh Doctor says, “He always says that.”

Even Tennant didn't want to go...there.

Just lovely, and finally the passing of the torch (albeit at the end) that should have happened on New Year’s Day 2010.

12. Tom Baker as The Curator!
It seemed a shame that none of the older Doctors could really be in the special because, well, they all look way too old.

Screw you, Davison, Colin Baker, and Sylvester McCoy!  You're all fat, old, lumpy,  and ugly.

Moffat recognized that the history of the show was important,

so including Tom Baker, the oldest living Doctor, and putting forth the idea that he could be a future retired incarnation of the Doctor who’s going through his old faces again is both intriguing and fun.

Of course, we could ask how this 'retired Doctor' plays into overall Canon, but why bother. 

He wasn’t in the hat and scarf, but it was still Tom Baker and it was still the Doctor. He and Smith play off each other really nicely in that scene and it brought an extra level of class.

13. The Thirteen Doctors!
Yes, it was fan service, but when every single incarnation of the Doctor appeared at the end to put Gallifrey into a painting, I got giddy, and when Peter Capaldi’s eyes appeared for that brief moment, signifying the future, I might have clapped loudly.

I bet we'll never have the Thirteenth/Fourteenth Doctor pop up in this by the time his tenure is over, and it skips over that whole "Valeyard" thing, right?  I think.

In fact, I did. Such a gorgeous way to celebrate 50 years, and hopefully 50 more.

 

Now, the one thing I was a bit disappointed by was that John Hurt regenerated, but we didn’t see him turn into Christopher Eccleston. I understand he didn’t want to do it and that he’d met with Moffat but decided against it, but, after “The Night of the Doctor,” I had a glimmer of hope that maybe they’d have kept that secret incredibly secret. We knew what was happening, but I’d have really loved even a two second shot of the Ninth Doctor post regeneration.

That’s my only nitpick. Steven Moffat, director Nick Hurran, and all the cast and crew delivered on every possible level,

and made me want to watch it 50 more times between now and Christmas. In short, after months of build-up and thinking and wishing and hoping,

I still love Doctor Who, and if possible, more than ever.

WHO WROTE THIS SHIT?  This doesn't sound like a serious review.  It sound like Kyle Anderson just took dictation from Moffat's ass and wrote down Moffat's own views on Moffat.  Kyle will always love Doctor Who...so long as they keep paying his bills and he can get Cons out of this.

The Monster Mash-Up

STORY 131: DOOMSDAY PARTS I & II (ARMY OF GHOSTS/DOOMSDAY)

Despite constant pleas from her fans, Dame Agatha Christie never had her two most famous characters, Hercule Poirot and Miss Marple, meet, let alone work together in a story.  Her reason was quite simple: she said she didn't think either would enjoy it.  When asked why she never had a Poirot/Marple crossover, she replied in her autobiography, "Why should they?". 

"Hercule Poirot, the complete egoist, would not like being taught his business by an elderly spinster lady," she added. Poirot was a professional detective, Marple an amateur one, so they would never truly fit in each other's worlds.

These words should be something Wholockians, who dream of having the TARDIS land in front of 221 B Baker Street and have the Doctor and Sherlock Holmes meet/work together, consider every time they fantasize about a Doctor Who/Sherlock crossover.  

Despite this, the characters did meet in a way.  Dame Margaret Rutherford, who had played Miss Marple in a series of successful films, made a cameo in an adaptation of The ABC Murders with Tony Randall as Poirot.  Even in this quick scene, I think neither really enjoyed their brief encounter.  It wasn't until 1990, during the Agatha Christie centennial celebrations, that Hercule Poirot and Miss Jane Marple finally formally met.  The two actors best known as Poirot and Marple, David Suchet and Joan Hickson, met as the character, and by all accounts got on splendidly.

I mention all this because the two-part season/series finale Doomsday Parts I & II (Army of Ghosts/Doomsday), has two most famous Doctor Who monsters (the Daleks and the Cybermen) finally face off each other after nearly fifty years.   When one thinks longs and hard about this, while this might have pleased NuWho (and I imagine, some Classic fans), for me it was a bit of a wash (not to mention leaving some curious continuity issues), and if it weren't for some of the performances, Doomsday I & II wouldn't have worked. 

The Doctor (David Tennant) and his Companion, Rose Tyler (Billie Piper) come to Earth to see Rose's mum, Jackie (Camille Coduri).  Jackie is delighted that her family reunion will be bigger, seeing as how Jackie's father is coming too.  That surprises Rose, since her grandfather is dead.  Nonetheless, something shows up.  Jackie is convinced it is her late father, and this phenomena is not strange.   Even the soap opera EastEnders gets in on the act, where we see a storyline involving the ghosts in the pub on television.  "Ghosts" have been appearing for two months now throughout the world, in specific intervals.  The Doctor is not convinced of 'the ghosts' and decides to trap one.

Meanwhile, at the infamous Torchwood, they have been conducting nefarious experiments to bring something from another realm to our world, and the Doctor traces the ghosts there.  Torchwood Director Yvonne Hartman (Tracy-Ann Oberman) is thrilled to see the Doctor, because now the TARDIS, like all alien technology, can be hers.  "If it's alien, it's ours," she declares.  In Torchwood you also have a strange sphere which does nothing.  We learn that it is a Void ship, which can travel between dimensions.  Jackie, having been mistaken for Rose, is taken with the Doctor, while Rose attempts to investigate on her own.  For once, the psychic paper does not work, but it does lead her to the Void Ship and to, improbable as it sounds, to Mickey (Noel Clarke) whom we last saw in the alternate world fighting Cybermen.  The Cybermen have escaped from their world and Mickey has now gone after them, with a few more surprises in store.

Oh, but this is just the beginning, for not only have the ghosts really turned out to be the Alternate World Cybermen, but that Void Ship has finally been activated.  Just when the Cybermen will all delete and reprogram humans on this world, out of the Void ship come beings that only Rose would recognize...the DALEKS!  That's right, the Daleks vs. the Cybermen in an epic battle royale for galactic domination. 

The Daleks are protecting the Genesis Ark, which is related to the Time Lords and the Time War.  The Cybermen, who prefer homogeny, are at first too busy converting people to really care, but soon both parties investigate the other.  In a Mexican standoff with a horrified Doctor looking on, the Daleks and Cybermen take each others measurements.  The Cybermen propose an alliance, which the Daleks (who recognize them while the Cybermen do not), immediately reject.  "This is not war.  This is pest control," the Daleks inform them.  When the Cybermen tell the Daleks if they can possibly defeat them with four Daleks, they reply that they can defeat the Cybermen with ONE Dalek.

Doesn't seem much of a fair fight, then, does it?

The humans fighting the Cybermen in the alternate world, including Pete Tyler (Shaun Dingwell), now come to fight the Cybermen with the Daleks thrown in for good measure.  The Doctor tells them that he was at the Fall of Arcadia, which he will come to terms with somehow (sooner than we imagine).    We learn what the Genesis Ark is: it's a prison ship holding millions of Daleks.  How?  Well, like all Time Lord technology, it's bigger on the inside.  A terrified Jackie, having escaped Cyber-altering (which her counterpart didn't) finds Alternate World Pete and it all becomes confusing for them.  Yvette has been altered, but not enough for her to realize that she still can stop the Cybermen.  The Doctor sends them all through the Void to the alternate world, but Rose won't leave him.  However, as the Daleks and Cybermen are killing each other and humans all over the place, the Doctor and Rose manage to send the Cybermen into the void. 

However, she loses her grip and is sucked into the Parallel World.  Somehow the Doctor appears to her, where she informs him that Jackie and Pete are going to give her a brother (I'd rather not know) and that she loves him.  The Doctor loses the temporal power before he can answer, and now he is alone, except for the Bride who suddenly without reason appears in the TARDIS.

I imagine NuWhovians hit all the emotional buttons that Doctor Who 2.0 appears to play like master musicians.  I bet they squealed when the Daleks appeared at the end of Army of Ghosts, and cried their eyes out at Rose's farewell.  I don't blame them: NuWhovians have probably never seen any Dalek stories prior to Dalek, and probably believed that the genesis of the Cybermen was in Rise of the Cybermen Parts 1 & 2, not say something like The Tenth Planet.  Therefore, those pesky little questions of continuity wouldn't be asked by the lemmings NuWho fans have become.

Questions like, "If these Cybermen are from an Alternate Universe, how do the Daleks recognize them?"

Questions like, "If travelling from one Parallel World to Another was so difficult for the Doctor, how has become almost routine for the humans?"  (Was this just a way to throw Clarke into the mix)?

Questions like, "How is it possible for Jackie Tyler, who is at least 38 (by the most generous standard if she had been 19 when Rose was born, with Rose being 19 now), to be pregnant?" (It should be pointed out she was 45 at the time Doomsday Parts 1 & 2 was made). 

In short, Doomsday Parts 1 & 2, after a lot of reflection, didn't hold up for a wide variety of reasons.  I would put the biggest reason that the Daleks were...unnecessary.  The whole story would have worked just fine with just the Cybermen travelling from their world to ours, without having the Daleks anywhere in there.  I actually, again after a lot of thought, thought Doomsday would have been more thrilling if we had made them the exclusive villain.

Russell T Davies, in his script, probably thought having the two face off would thrill fans, and I know many who were.  However, for the casual viewer or one who had never come across either, the whole thing came off as laughable.  How do I know this?  Because I saw it for myself.  I had talked my very reluctant non-Doctor Who fan Fidel Gomez, Jr. (who may or may not be dead) into watching this 'epic confrontation' after the disaster of Love & Monsters.  When he heard the Dalek tell the Cybermen they could defeat them with ONE Dalek, Fidel burst out laughing.

He simply couldn't take any of it seriously afterwards. 

Even if it had been a tense moment (after two viewings, it still isn't for me), the actual battle between them was such a ridiculous thing.  The Daleks made mincemeat out of the Cybermen, and what is the point of having an 'epic confrontation' between two legendary villains if one is going to be a pushover?  I think Davies favors the Daleks and gave them all the power, cheating us out of what could have been a great confrontation.  Honestly, I don't understand why so many fans think this is good, because the Cybermen weren't all that impressive.

All that 'jumping through parallel worlds' seems equally silly, giving people an easy way in and out of things.

However, credit has to be given where it is due, and the final scene between Rose and the Doctor was beautifully directed and acted.  If Davies did anything right, it was to give NuWhovians what they love: a great excuse to cry their eyes out at a science-fiction show.  I honestly think that there was less crying at Schindler's List or a September 11th memorial than there apparently is in an average Doctor Who 2.0 episode, but that's for another time.

For most of Doomsday Parts 1 & 2, Piper's Rose came off as a bit whiny and clingy, but her final scene with Tennant is indeed quite moving.  Those who were worried that former pop star Piper couldn't deliver the goods have been proven wrong.  She and Tennant made an excellent team, and I can see why NuWhovians both rank Rose as one of the Greatest Companions and why they are so enamored of Rose & The Doctor. 

I don't share their views, but I can understand it. 

Tennant is in top form here.  He is authoritative, whimsical (the 3-D shades not looking as idiotic as they could have), and his genuine sadness at it all show why even Classic Who fans (most of them anyway) think well of Tennant. 

The other cast did well as well.  Coduri's innocence at having her 'father' return and her horror at being pursued, nearly altered by the Cybermen were excellent.  When she and Dingwell reunite, I thought THAT was more emotional than Rose & The Doctor's farewell.  Still not a fan of Clarke or Mickey (for too long he was a wimp, and now he's all action-star), but it wasn't bad.

This episode is important for another reason; as far as I can make out, the first time the Doctor says, "Allon-sy", which would become his catchphrase (for good or ill).   

Ultimately, the acting did Doomsday Parts 1 & 2 immense favors, because for me the story doesn't hold.  I admit that because I don't cry at Doctor Who, and don't get emotional at a character's good-bye, I don't have this passion this two-part story demands I feel.  I look to things like acting, plot, story, character development.  I am not easily impressed by flashing lights and big guest stars.

I can't shake off the idea that the Cybermen/Dalek confrontation was both a waste and rather uneventful, even boring.  I didn't get excited by having them meet.  Actually, I wish they hadn't.  In a curious turn, Doomsday Parts 1 & 2 upon first watching, earned an 8, then I found myself thinking that was too high, so down a point it went.  Then I kept thinking, "that Dalek/Cybermen thing just didn't work for me", and thought 7 was too generous. 

In the end Doomsday Parts 1 & 2 was good, not great, and despite its best efforts I hope we never get two villains fighting it out if the results are going to be as weak as this.

6/10

Next Episode: The Runaway Bride

The Only Thing We Have to Fear is More Bad Stories Like This

STORY 180: FEAR HER

Fear Her has earned a reputation of being not just perhaps the worst NuWho story of all time (in the most recent poll, it ranked 192 out of 200, the lowest revived series episode in the rankings) but perhaps one of the worst Doctor Who stories of all time (Classic and NuWho).  I was so appalled by Love & Monsters that I deliberately skipped Fear Her and ended my Doctor Who watching days with Doomsday Parts 1 & 2 (Army of Ghosts/Doomsday), not watching again until at least Waters of Mars.  It is only now, in my efforts to watch every Doctor Who available, that I plunge into the one episode I deliberately skipped.  After watching Fear Her, I concur with the general opinion that it is pretty bad.  Well, perhaps not bad, but terribly weak, trying to find its way in what appears to be a good idea and then getting lost in its call for sentimentality and silliness.

The Doctor (David Tennant) takes Rose (Billie Piper) to London 2012, the opening day of the Olympic Games.  However, there is something evil afoot.  In a neighborhood where the torch will run past, children have been disappearing.  The old neighbor Maeve (Edna Dore) is concerned, but most of the neighborhood isn't too concerned with all this.  About the only parent who doesn't register concern is Trish (Nina Sosanya), who has worries of her own.  Her daughter Chloe (Abisola Agbaje) doesn't want to go outside, doesn't want to do anything other than draw.  She draws the children that have disappeared, which also come to life.  I believe Trish knows that the pictures come to life, because I think one of the pictures she has (that of her late father) has on occasion come to life.

The Doctor and Rose soon trace the disappearances to Chloe, whom we learn has an alien within her, the Isolus.  This is a lonely demon, part of a large group that were separated.  In order to make up for the Isolus' loneliness, she had made Chloe (whom it sensed was lonely too) draw her companions.  However, just as the Doctor is needed most, Chloe draws the Doctor and TARDIS, trapping both in the drawings.  It is now up to Rose to save the day (and apparently the Olympics).  She does so by finding the hottest place around (a filled pothole) that has the Isolus' tiny spaceship.  With the torch coming past, Rose is able to release the Isolus from Chloe and free her and everyone trapped in the pictures.  This includes all those at the Olympic stadium, which the Isolus trapped in a picture.

However, where is the Doctor?  It is at this point that we see that a man with a trenchcoat picks up the Olympic torch and races to the Games.  Now, with things restored, the Doctor and Rose look at the stars.  Rose dreams of perpetual travels with the Doctor, but he senses a storm coming.

After watching Fear Her I don't think it was a horrible episode.  It tries, it tries so terribly, terribly hard to be sentimental and thrilling, but there are so many things wrong with it that it all ends up failing badly.

First, the resolution to this crisis is so quick and silly that it boggles the mind how anyone thought it would resonate.  Oh, look, all the 'villain' needed was just a touch of love.  "Feel the love" I think Rose says as she throws the Isolus' ship into the incoming Olympic torch, and with that, the Isolus is able to leave Chloe.  There was no tension, no excitement, no sense of this having taken up our time.  It all seems too pat, to quick, for us to care.

Second, some of the performances were pretty bad.   I don't know if one can blame Abgaje for being terrible in this story (this as far as I know is her only acting job).  However, as bad as Matthew Graham's script is, Abgaje came across as whiny and obnoxious, someone I couldn't care for.  Same goes for her mother, who was weak and at times slightly dumb (she had one thing to do: watch that Chloe not draw, and she leaves her alone twice!).  Going back to Chloe for a moment, from what I understand the little girl favors her abusive father.

I also wonder whether having a major plot point be the brutal father was a good idea. 

Third, Fear Her has moments that are just embarrassing for all concerned.  Having The Doctor pop up and carry the torch may have been a nice patriotic touch but it only makes Tennant (and the Doctor) look foolish.  Really, what was the point of all that?  I also think that this whole 'love is the answer' bit is silly and trite, having no real reason and making it all a quick resolution

Despite all this, I kept thinking that somewhere in all this there WAS a potential for a good story.  The ideas behind it weren't all that bad, but the execution just didn't pan out.

Looking back at Fear Her, I don't think there was ever a real threat.  Even when we were given something of a threat (the evil father coming back to life), it appeared to be there only to stretch out the story.  I found Fear Her to be instantly forgettable, boring, and not worth our time.  Yes, it's bad.  Not horrible, just bad.

You've been a bad, bad girl... 

1/10

Next Story: Doomsday Parts I & II (Army of Ghosts/Doomsday)

The Worst Doctor Who of All Time. OF ALL TIME!

STORY 179: LOVE & MONSTERS

When the revived Doctor Who came in 2005, I was like so many NuWhovians are today.  EVERY episode was BRILLIANT, every story was EPIC, everything was THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME.  OMG Rose Tyler is the GREATEST COMPANION OF ALL TIME!!  OMG Christopher Eccleston is the GREATEST DOCTOR OF ALL TIME!  OMG David Tennant is the GREATEST DOCTOR OF ALL TIME!!  OMG! Lady Cassandra is BACK! OMG!!! Sarah Jane Smith is BACK!!  WOW...The Doctor met Madame De Pompadour!!!

DOCTOR WHO IS THE GREATEST TELEVISION PROGRAM OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!

Then came Love & Monsters, and I was violently awakened from my Doctor Who slumber.  For me, Love & Monsters marked a demarcation line.  After this episode, I became more cynical, more ambivalent, more suspicious, towards this sci-fi program.  I realized that I could no longer give Doctor Who a free pass just because I was a fan.  Love & Monsters is more than appallingly bad.  Love & Monsters is a flat-out insult to Doctor Who fans, and ever since I have looked on NuWho with a jaundiced eye.

I had not seen Love & Monsters since it premiered, and looking back at it the memory of Love & Monsters is actually worse than the episode itself.  That doesn't mean Love & Monsters will ever be reevaluated: it is still a simply inexcusably bad episode.  However, it is not as horrifying the second time round as it is the first time.  Still, Love & Monsters will never an episode which a non-Who watching person should ever see as their first Doctor Who story. 

Told primarily through the video recording of Elton (Marc Warren), we hear of Elton's fascination with The Doctor (Tennant), whom he has crossed paths with on many occasions.  He was there when the Autons attacked, when the Slitheen arrived, and when the Sycorax threatened the world. He also has an earlier encounter with Tenth, but more on that later.  Online, he manages to contact Ursula Blake (Shirley Henderson) who is also a believer in The Doctor ("Doctor What?", Elton asks, showing that Steven Moffat didn't write this episode).  Soon Elton and Ursula meet other believers: the quiet Mr. Skinner (Simon Greenall), the chatty Bliss (Kathryn Drysdale) and the endearing Bridget (Moya Brady).  They begin at first to try to find the mystery of The Doctor, but soon LINDA (London Investigating N Detective Agency) starts becoming a bit of a social club and soon all but forget looking for The Doctor.  They bring snacks, Bridget shares about how she comes to London to find her drug-addicted daughter, Mr. Skinner begins reading from his unfinished novel, and soon they all form a garage band of sorts (Elton, despite his name, is a big Electric Light Orchestra fan).

       
The fun and games (not to mention their rendition of Don't Bring Me Down) comes to a brutal halt with the arrival of Mr. Kennedy (Peter Kay).  This mysterious figure, all draped in black and who cannot touch or be touched due to a skin condition he says, tells them he will bring them back to their mission.  They soon begin to do hard work, following every lead that comes their way.  Among those is the beginning of Love & Monsters: Elton's encounter with the Doctor and his Companion.  After a quick investigation, we find this Companion has a name, Rose Tyler (Billie Piper) and her mother, Jackie (Camille Coduri).  The ever-tarty Jackie takes a shine to Elton, even going so far as to attempt to seduce him and getting him through subterfuge to get his shirt off.  As Elton contemplates a romp, Jackie calls it off after receiving a call from Rose, which puts her out of a romantic mood.  Elton by now has decided to give up these espionage ways and start a platonic friendship with Jackie, but she finds a photo of Rose and the TARDIS in his jacket, and promptly throws him out.

By this time LINDA has been reduced to three members.  Bliss and Bridget have disappeared and the others don't really question or follow-up on their friends.  Elton, backed up by Ursula, tell Kennedy to get lost and begin to leave.  Kennedy manages to hold Mr. Skinner back, saying he has news on Bridget (with whom Skinner has fallen in love).  However, we find he disappears when Ursula and Elton return almost immediately to get her phone.  Here, we discover that Mr. Kennedy is really a monster, literally.  He is an Abzorbaloff, a monster who absorbs other creatures.  He has absorbed the other members of LINDA, and managed to absorb Ursula due to his touch.  The Abzorbaloff goes after Elton, but he is saved by the Doctor and Rose, who have tracked him down so Rose can give Elton a right dressing down for having upset Jackie.  The Abzorbaloff threatens Elton, but Ursula, Mr. Skinner, Bridget, and Bliss (all of whom are still within the Abzorbaloff) pull together to pull him apart.  Still, it is too late for them save Ursula, who through the Doctor's 'magic wand' (Elton's words, not mine), is able to restore her somewhat.

As for Elton's first memory of the Doctor, it seems that the Doctor had chased down some creature to Elton's home, but was too late to save Elton's mother.  Still, Elton quotes Steven King, "Salvation and damnation are the same thing," and at least Elton and Ursula are together.  They even have a bit of a love life...or as much of a love life a man can have with a woman who is basically a large piece of cement.

Talk about giving head...



Insert Where?

Doctor Who has had some real clunkers in its fabled history. Starting from the First Doctor story The Web Planet right on through the Second Doctor story The Dominators or The Fifth Doctor's Time-Flight and the Sixth Doctor's Timelash,  it would be fair to say that every Doctor has had at least one bad story (though Matt Smith's Eleventh Doctor has more than his fair share).  However, I have seen the Doctor Who episode so atrocious, so hideous, so repulsive, that it killed the series for me. 

How HORRIBLE was Love & Monsters?  It was so bad...HOW BAD WAS IT?...It was so bad I refused to watch the succeeding episode Fear Her because the trailer came out at the end of it, and I wanted NOTHING to do with anything connected with Love & Monsters. 

How HORRIBLE was Love & Monsters?  It was so bad...HOW BAD WAS IT?...that after stumbling through Doomsday Parts 1 & 2 (Army of Ghosts/Doomsday) I flat-out REFUSED to watch Doctor Who.

That's correct.  I QUIT watching Doctor Who.  It wasn't until The Waters of Mars that I returned, and that was only because I knew David Tennant was leaving the series.  I missed the Master, all of Martha Jones and Donna Noble, and the 'meta-crisis' Doctor, all because I was so utterly disgusted by Love & Monsters that I could no longer give my time to something so flat-out hideous.

It isn't even the oral sex thing that damns Love & Monsters (though frankly that doesn't help).  It as if Davies wanted to deliberately insult Doctor Who fans, not just with this story, but with the whole LINDA concept.  The members all seem to be rather lonely, a group of misfits who find little outside their fixation on The Doctor to fill their lives.  Even the things they do have seem rather sad (did Davies think Bridget looking for her drug-addicted daughter shouldn't have a resolution).  All I could think of was that poor Bridget's daughter was out there, homeless, high, with little hope of ever recovering and no chance of they ever reuniting.  Is it me, or am I the only one who finds that cruel?  Putting these people and have them come to grisly ends is so, so wrong. 

However, the story itself is idiotic and illogical on so many levels.  Who exactly is Elton relating this story to?  It looks like he is putting this video online, so we have to ask who exactly is his target audience?  Furthermore, why is he talking at all, and why does he interrupt his video with his dancing to Mr. Blue Sky...twice?  With Elton telling us about his encounter with the Doctor and Rose, the story starts off well, but as soon as we cut to Elton telling us the story, all the menace is lost.  Instead, we get treated to Doctor Who doing a Benny Hill skit with the Doctor, Rose, and a monster running around.  I really was waiting for Yakety Sax to start playing as they ran across the various doors.

I also question why Kennedy would so easily take power over LINDA.  No one objected to him bullying his way and taking the fun out of things, no off-sight meetings where they talk about how unhappy they are with him there, and no sense where any of them asks whatever happened to the missing members.  You'd think they would have each other's e-mails or phone numbers, but apparently they didn't.  We also get the rather horrifying sight of Jackie so nakedly trying to get at a man she barely knows (though in fairness, even though Warren and Coduri are the same age, he looks much younger, so at least it is no longer as sick as I originally thought when I thought he was somewhere between Rose and Jackie's age).  Throw in the flat-out insulting bit of Rose dressing down Elton when he's about to be devoured by the Abzarbaloff.  Is she stupid or just so whiny that she misses the point of all this?  Even the Abzorbaloff looked at her with a puzzled expression, as if he himself couldn't believe the Companion could be so daft.

Finally, the entire "Oh, I saw your Mommy get killed thing" is so appalling on so many levels.  How does Elton forget his mother getting killed, and why is the Tenth Doctor involved?  Was Rose with him in all this?  Given that Nine regenerated to Ten with Rose with him, and there hasn't been evidence she has left him for any period of time, where does Mrs. Pope's death fit within their adventures?  Come to think of it, Elton shouldn't be obsessed with the Doctor.  Elton should try to kill him.  The Doctor has been inadvertently responsible for his mother's death, his friends death, and his love interest's death.  Given all that, why does Elton LIKE the Doctor?

A big hurdle for Love & Monsters was that the monster was created by a nine-year-old boy.  William Grantham (no relation to Downton Abbey's Lord Grantham) won the Blue Peter "Design a Doctor Who Monster" Contest.  The obvious question is, "Why?"  How bad could the other entries have been if the winner turned out to be so horrendous?  It doesn't seem fair to beat up on a child, but the entire decision to hand over a major part of a Doctor Who story to a child seems like a daft decision.  It certainly opens up the production to charges that, "it's so easy even a child could do it", which in this case, a child did.  Grantham stated that he envisioned the Abzorbaloff to be the size of a double-decker bus.  I would have hoped it would have been envisioned to be...well, interesting.  The Abzorbaloff (I always wonder whether he should have had a Russian accent) has only the vaguest reason for being an antagonist, and a pretty weak one too. 

The performances were almost all bad.  I thought well of Warren, but apart from him everyone else was either awful (Kay) or slumming it (Tennant, Piper).  The comedy fell flat, the drama was overwrought, the horror was not, and in short Love & Monsters is an ugly mess all around in every manner. 

Love & Monsters was a deeply troubling and traumatizing episode, and not just for the 'love life' bit Elton threw in at the end.  Put it down to my hopelessly naïve nature, but the first thing I wondered when Elton said that was, "How could they have a love life?"  It took a while, and then I thought, "Eww...".  Russell T Davies may deny it all he wants, but the inclusion of an oral sex joke in a children/family show is the lowest point in Doctor Who history.

In the final analysis, the actual memory I have of Love & Monsters is uglier than the actual episode itself.  Time has healed the horrifying, traumatic experience I had with this episode.  I can look back at it without actually vomiting (as I did the first time, which was my exact reaction when I saw Hayden Christensen at the end of Return of the Jedi).  However, while the passing of the years has softened the actual viewing experience of Love & Monsters, the story itself remains a sad and sorry embarrassment to all concerned.  I would rather watch River Song in a ménage a trois with the Eleventh Doctor and Madame Vastra (which I figure many Whovians would LOVE to see) than watch Love & Monsters. 

I survived Love & Monsters, and thank God I NEVER have to watch it again... 

I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry...
Well, you should be!

0/10

Next Episode: Fear Her